Girl on the Net

I’m delighted to welcome this week’s guest blogger, who is here to talk about their wide range of dating experiences. What’s different about dating when you’re perceived as a cis woman vs a gay man? And although no experience is universal, are there any dating experiences that come close to that? Please welcome Mel McGovern, a non-binary dating enthusiast who you can find on Patreon, on Twitter @futurephoria, and on Instagram @futurephoria.

CN: brief mentions of rape

What I learned as a horny dating scholar

Like a horny scholar of dating norms, I’ve hooked up while being perceived as a cisgender heterosexual woman, married as a lesbian and now I am slutting it up as a trans, non-binary divorcee.

When I was a child, I was assigned female at birth (AFAB), and it took me decades to understand why I saw myself reflected in the few gay men I encountered while being raised in conservative middle America. There is a part of me that is a gay man, though I am non-binary and return over and over to that identity, embracing my femme. Excitingly, gay men are attracted to me now after being on testosterone hormone therapy for two years and I have face-dived into the all access world of Grindr! It is mostly a gay, cis-male dominated app and a seemingly ruleless platform that allows one to message any user. Pleasurable sex has never been so readily available!

All I have to do is wade through the trans fetishists and people that have expectations of penetrating me vaginally because they’re into the idea of a guy with a pussy. Front hole (vaginal) penetration is something I, and many other transmasculine guys, do not enjoy – while other transmasculine folk love it! For me, I experience sharp pain with front hole penetration (i.e. chronic pelvic pain, vulvar vestibulitis, vaginismus, dyspareunia), but I don’t require or desire that sort of stimulation. Regardless, wading through this app takes mental fortitude and exploring the barrage of dick and hole pics should be navigated with consent and communication by all parties.

In today’s society, people are still fed the trope that women should be courted and their “virginal purity” protected, which stems from patriarchal ownership and the trade of human capital through marriage. This manifests in the straight dating world by a common practice of women waiting to be approached by men because the message is that to do otherwise could make a gal seem too eager or slutty. Well, I celebrate you consensual sex seeking sluts! During my time in the land of lesbians, I think this restraint and shyness manifests as chatting back and forth on Tinder for a month or more, charming dates for weeks, furtive glances, until – hopefully – you crack the code to aligning with your passionate lesbian lover. Yet, the unrivalled care that goes into this courtship can be sweet and, yes, you may move in one with another, but there will be multiple orgasms upon multiple orgasms.

However, nestled deeper still amongst this thicket of various sexual experiences and identities, there’s the magical and somewhat elusive land of T4T (Trans-for-Trans) sex, where endless hours of divine exploration happen. Trust is important for most people hooking up, but it can be especially sensitive for us trans folk, and therefore sleeping with one another often comes with inherent understanding that T4T sex is nuanced.

Of course, it is still possible to be misunderstood or disrespected with another trans person; no one is perfect. Trans people use their imaginations more during sex in my experience, and therefore things get more creative and it’s downright difficult to be vanilla! With T4T lovin’, a sexual pleasure session could be just as much about using one’s mind as your genitals. Your between me down there can be anything! Trans folks of all types can experience dysphoria, which is unfortunate, but it means other trans people are less likely to make assumptions about how I want to be touched – they ask questions and truly desire to listen and reciprocate sexual needs.

Lessons learned

What I’ve reaffirmed in my never-ending coming out journey:

Shitty dudes exist in the queer sphere as well as the hetero one. Gay sex or straight sex, there are still dudes out there just trying to nut, with little regard for their partner’s pleasure experience. Until a couple months ago, I hadn’t slept with anyone producing sperm since I was in my twenties playing at compulsory heteronormativity and getting drunk enough to go through with bad sex. I mean, orgasm denial is one thing, a fun kink, but this was just plain unsatisfying sex.

Queer or hetero, there are still people trying to pull surprise manoeuvres like ‘stealthing’ – unexpectedly removing the condom. A practice that is illegal in the UK (it’s rape), and becoming so in many other countries too. In the U.S., California became the first state to recognize stealthing as rape as of October 2021.

What’s more, after nearly a decade of unexpected pregnancy being off my anxiety’s radar, I became distinctly aware of my ability to still get pregnant while having gay sex. Even though I don’t have front hole penetration and no longer menstruate, it’s terrifying to think of becoming pregnant and needing an abortion as a transgender person. The lack of knowledge and access that exists around that need is a huge barrier.

In the U.S., on Mon. Nov. 1, a historic hearing regarding abortion access took place and, unsurprisingly, the language reads, “… the constitutional right of women seeking abortion care in Texas …”

We have women’s access to abortions being taken away and challenged, which is deplorable, yes, but transmasc people can have unplanned pregnancies and need access to abortion care too. No matter one’s gender or sexual orientation, we could all benefit from broadening our understanding of equitable access to sexual health and wellness.

What I’ve learned above all – in dating and fucking – is that communication is paramount and is what ultimately leads to trust. In my experience, it’s quite polite to state hopes and expectations upfront, it can even be downright hot when done coquettishly. What I hope readers will take away is that, since there’s little representation in mainstream media, transgender people partake in all of the different varieties and flavors of sex (therefore need access to abortions) and it would be a mistake to make any assumptions about what your transgender lover might desire! Being a trans-inclusive playmate means asking questions, checking one’s gender biases before they leave your brain and doing the work outside of the bedroom to understand trans people’s needs and advocating for their human rights.