Girl on the Net

I don’t know if I’m allowed to just invent a piece of sex etiquette, like I’m the editor of NSFW Debrett’s, but if I were allowed to do that, I’d suggest an etiquette rule like this: if you’re fucking someone with a butt toy in, and you have the ability to hold it there while you pound them, you absolutely should. So for instance, if we’re fucking doggy-style, one hand laid on my butt with a steadying thumb against the base of the plug (not pushing in, just holding still) will calm my anxious mind and mean I can focus on the shag rather than the worry that I’m about to inadvertently shoot it across the room. This rule brought to you by a woman who – no matter how safe the butt plug or how secure it feels in my ass, the second you start to plough away I will immediately panic that my lubed-up arse might accidentally blast it at your stomach like a rocket launcher. My top concern with anal toys is not whether they’re going to get in, but whether they might just slip out. That was my key concern with the Hot Octopuss Plex, and why I tested it in ways that may seem silly to you, but which for me formed vital anxiety-calming prep before I (hopefully) get to use this during sex.

The important bit: the Plex was provided to me by Hot Octopuss for free, and Hot Octopuss sponsor my website so buying from them directly helps to support my work. I wouldn’t bother writing about any toy if I didn’t think it was good though, so if you’re already sold on the idea of Plex (which you should be, it’s great) – head to their site to grab one for £89.99/$99.95/99.95 Euro)

Feast your eyes upon this toy first, then let’s get down to business. It’s a slim (hooray!), short (double hooray!) anal toy which vibrates using Hot Octopuss’s kickass ‘Treble and Bass’ technology (see below). The proportions mean that immediately, before I’ve even tried it out myself, it’s on my list of ‘things to use with dudes who are curious-yet-nervous about anal’. The fact that it’s slim with just a gentle bulge makes it a bit less intimidating for those who are trying anal for the first time – the more intense swell of a butt plug can sometimes feel a little too much if you’re brand new to butt play, and dildos – even slim ones – can occasionally put dudes off, especially if the dildo has more length than they do. Sorry for the cisnormativity on this one, team: I have only done butt play with cis dudes, so that’s where my experience lies.

Anyway. This is a slim, neat, cute little butt toy, and it fucking vibrates in incredible ways. If I’m honest, I do not think I have yet used it to its full potential, because its full potential will only truly be realised when I get to insert it into the ass of someone with a prostate, fine-tune the dual vibrators till they do a beautiful ‘whoomph whoomph’ pattern, then ride that person’s dick until the combo of dickfeels and prostate thudding makes them punch me in the cervix with spaff. Should I happen to get the opportunity to do this, I will update you with wide-eyed excitement.

Treble & Bass mixing

In the meantime what I have is my single ass, a Hot Octopuss Plex, and a Hot Octopuss Kurve which I was given a while ago. The Kurve is a g-spot vibrator that uses the exact same ‘Treble and Bass’ technology for its vibrations (basically a nifty combo of one high- and one low-frequency vibrator that work in tandem to do absolutely wondrous things to your junk), so naturally when considering how to use this toy all on my lonesome, my first idea was to get the pair of them and see if I could get them to deliver me the exact same vibrational frequencies in both my cunt and my ass. Matching vibes! What a gift!

I achieved this pretty admirably, but with one minor caveat: I couldn’t get the remote control on the Plex to work, because in order to get it to work you first need to use a tiny screwdriver (and I mean TINY) to unscrew the battery housing on the remote, then remove the bit of plastic from the battery. Batteries are all included, but sadly tiny screwdrivers are not. I’m a very handy person, and I have more screwdrivers than most people, but even I was flummoxed by this. My tiniest of screwdrivers did not have a crosshead, and the spare heads for it appear to be lost in the ether of my many as-yet-unpacked boxes.

After much swearing and hunting I decided to give up on the remote and simply use the buttons on the base of the toy. They worked, but I didn’t get the kind of control over intensity and patterns that I’d have had with the remote. It’s not a criticism – I’d far rather it be shipped like this than shipped without batteries so I had to actually go hunting down some teeny battery to insert inside it. It’s just something to bear in mind if the remote is gonna be key to your enjoyment: Christmas is coming, and I know sometimes tiny screwdrivers are forthcoming in a decent Christmas cracker. So swap your crappy plastic comb or miniature pack of playing cards with Aunt Rita, whose cracker yielded the tiny toolset, and you’ll be all ready to activate the remote on the vibrating butt toy that’s hopefully waiting for you under the tree.

So: without the remote, pattern-matching the vibes on Plex with the vibes on Kurve was tricky, yet not impossible. There’s a specific pattern on the Kurve that I really enjoy, and my aim was to try and pair that same pattern with the closest equivalent on Plex so that the waves of vibration engulfed the whole of my hips/crotch/arse until I went crosseyed and came. It worked pretty well, with the sensations melding together in a way that did genuinely make me think ‘holy shit I am kind of gonna come IMMEDIATELY and thus ruin my own experiment.’ However, as I mentioned above I do have a weird panic about butt toys shooting out across the room, so that anxiety was enough to keep me from coming straight away. A bit of experimenting – slowly moving the Kurve in and out gently – gave me a little more confidence in how secure Plex was in my ass, and allowed me to lie back and just kinda enjoy the edgy rumble of two vibes working almost in perfect sync. As I say, I reckon I could remove that ‘almost’ and get them working together perfectly if I could find a tiny screwdriver for the remote.

I could, I think, have come like this, but I am trying to take this ‘reviewing sex toys shit’ a bit more seriously now I have to just wank with them, so instead of letting myself come I had a crack at the next stage of experimentation: working out how vigorous a fuck the Plex could handle and still stay in my ass.

Can you get fucked with the Hot Octopuss Plex in?

In preparation for my experiment, I’d lined up two dildos alongside the Hot Octopuss Kurve. The first, the Godemiche Ambit, is my go-to wanking dildo: it’s about average size, smooth and slim but with a BRILLIANT pronounced head-ridge that’s perfect for g-spot stuff. I’d also grabbed the Helios, which is bigger and more textured – my absolute hands-down favourite dildo to get fucked with if someone else is in the room (other people can get way better angles with it than I can, and having someone slide it really slowly and firmly in and out of my cunt is infinitely better than any attempt anyone’s ever made at giving me head. It just WORKS). The aim being, really, to see if this slim-and-only-gently-bulging ass toy would withstand a few rounds of thorough pounding without slipping out of my butt.

Yes, I know, I am an intrepid sex scientist. You may help me further my research by buying these direct from Hot Octopuss – doing that keeps me in lube, towels, and the wine I drank before embarking on my adventure.

So, feeling increasingly odd about rolling around on my bed all covered in lube and still vibrating, I took the Ambit then started fucking myself slowly in the cunt. Then faster and more vigorously, before finally altering angle and depth in a variety of different ways, trying to simulate different sex positions.

Because here’s the thing: I’m not really interested in anal toys to use on my own. I do not have a prostate, and while the dual-vibe fun of Plex combined with Kurve was fun, outside of testing purposes I’m never going to bother putting things into my ass when I’m alone. It just lacks the filthy tone I require in order to get off on it. For anal play to work for me, I need a man (sorry, yeah I really am that straight) looking eagerly at me and asking with a horny kind of whine: “please can I put it in your ass?” or in a stern and dominant tone “bend over, I’m gonna put this in your ass.” Anal play isn’t even fun for me if it becomes too routine or obvious. If someone just sort of fancies putting something in my ass, I can’t get horny for that. I need them to be really gunning for it: eager and desperate and all the good stuff. So outside of prostate play, my anal toys are probably only ever going to be used when I’m with someone who’s fucking me in the cunt at the same time. Ideally, I’d like someone to bend me over on the living room floor, make me press my face into the living room carpet, put a coffee table over my head/shoulders so just my exposed ass and cunt sticks out for them to admire, then push a vibrating toy into my ass and fuck me in the cunt while they call me a good, dirty girl. This happened once, it was fucking incredible.

Anyway. I used the Ambit slowly, then more vigorously, and eventually as hard and fast as I’d use it when I was wanking, and despite the panic rising in my chest that the Plex would fall out, it remained stable. No slippage, no movement, just a steady and constant vibration which thumped delightfully all the way through the wall between my cunt and ass and enhanced the feeling of the dildo. Sterling stuff.

The bigger Helios yielded similar results, although with a bonus that warrants a sidebar: can we please just briefly talk about how hot it is when you’ve got something stretching out your ass and then someone tries to penetrate your cunt (with fingers, dick or dildo), but the ass toy is filling you to just the right degree that penetrating your cunt becomes a challenge? The fat head of the Helios was a struggle to get inside, because the Plex was already filling my ass, and honestly if I had been shagging a person and not a dildo I probably would have come almost immediately. Especially if he got that flash of ‘unngh yeah’ in his eyes as he tried to shove it in but met resistance. Lovely stuff.

Anyway. Long story short, even the Helios did not push the Plex out, which led me to conclude one of two things:

1. The Plex is remarkably secure inside my ass, even though the bulge doesn’t – on first glance – seem big enough to really keep it there
2. I was not truly managing to replicate what it’s like to get fucked with a butt toy in

More research required, ideally with a willing volunteer.

But did you massively come because this toy is so awesome though?

I did come, because having something powerfully vibrate inside my ass while I fuck myself with the Helios means it’s almost an inevitability. I did have to make brief use of the Amo bullet vibe (which is absolutely fucking exceptional) on my clit at the same time, meaning this is technically one of the very few three-toy wanks I’ve ever had, and it was powerful and good and all the best things.

But ultimately this post is going to end in the same way so many of my toy-related posts tend to these days: I just can’t really get into testing out sex toys on my own. I made this one more fun by going in with a goal (to find out how secure the Plex might be if I were getting fucked with it in someday – so far the only other butt toy I’m reasonably comfortable won’t slip out is the Doxy butt plug), but ultimately I’m very unlikely to have a big wank with a butt toy in, because my lack of prostate means that for me the key purpose of vibrating butt toys is to fill out my ass and deliver vibrations that travel through to the dick of someone who is fucking me in the cunt.

Do you have a prostate? Because if you do, this toy will probably give you far better value for money than me during solo play. Prior to this, the only vibrating ass toy that’s felt like it matches in terms of quality and intensity (and remote) is the Lelo Hugo, which costs £135. The Hot Octopuss Plex goes for just under £90, so I reckon for ass-focused vibrations it’s a genuine winner. Were I furnished with a prostate-owning volunteer, I would sit them on this and whack up the vibes until they went ‘mmmph’, then ride their dick until the aforementioned spaffpunch. Then, later, we’d switch up and I’d let them plough my cunt while experiencing all those through-the-cunt-wall vibrations that have given me such joy in the past.

Unfortunately, I do not have that, and so all you’re getting here are wanking experiments and fantasies for the future. You can make them come true, though, if you would like to buy one of these lovely little fuckers. Which you genuinely should. Even I, an extremely ambivalent solo-ass-toy-user, managed to enjoy myself pretty thoroughly with the Hot Octopuss Plex. And if you also have a Kurve you too can achieve the pleasure of having matching vibrations in two different orifices.

What’s more, most importantly, you can treat yourself (or a loved one) in time for Christmas and make it so it was totally worth it for me to rush out this post to beat the deadline to order.

Hot Octopuss Plex and other toys

Keep an eye out for deals – some of these are currently 15/20% off for Christmas

Hot Octopuss Plex with Flex – thuddy anal vibes £89.99/$99.95

Hot Octopuss Kurve – thuddy g-spot vibes £99.95/$129.95

Hot Octopuss Amo – powerful clit vibes £49.95/$49.95

I’d recommend any and all of these toys – the Kurve and Amo are both very regular favourites of mine, and Plex will be if I start playing with anyone who’s super into butt stuff.

Other toys I mentioned, which I also recommend (I get a cut if you buy through these links, for everything except the Helios):

• The Godemiche Ambit
• The Uberrime Helios
• Lelo Hugo
• Doxy butt plugs