Girl on the Net

Apologies for the aggressively search-engine-targeted title here, it’s a question many people ask: how do I keep having fun sex in a long-term relationship? Sometimes it’s framed as ‘how do I keep sex alive’ or ‘how can I introduce new kinks to my partner?’. As I’ve written before, I find it upsetting how easily people assume that sex inevitably falls by the wayside when you’ve been with someone for a few years. My response to ‘sex just dies eventually in long-term relationships’ is ‘not in mine!’. Sex is one of my top priorities, and as a result the two long term relationships I’ve had were both satisfyingly fucky right up to the bittersweet, tortured end. So when a reader asked about sexual adventures, I thought I’d have a go at trying to articulate how I (and my partners, if they’re game) go about creating a culture of sexual exploration when we’re together. This isn’t just a guide for people who feel like their sex life has waned over time, but also for those in sexually active relationships who want to know how to introduce new kinks and sparks. Hopefully I can cover all this off in the same post, because I’m clever and great at multitasking. Also because I think the approach is similar no matter which of those situations you find yourself in.

Here’s the reader question that kicked this off:

“I understand that divorce can be a driver for self discovery, both sexual & otherwise, but how can someone in an established relationship approach the same desire for sexual discovery with their partner? Asking for a friend (by which I obviously mean me!). I worry that broaching the topic of trying new things in a long & happy relationship might suggest that I’m bored with my partner (I’m not!) or end up with me in a position where I feel obliged to continue doing things that I’m not terribly interested in just because we’ve tried them once or twice. Do you have any advice on how to negotiate a voyage of discovery in a couple that’s been together long enough that we’ve hit the point where society expects us not to change or grow beyond the things we did in our early years? (And where we may have internalised that message of stagnation & need to both unlearn it in order to try & enjoy new types of sex)”

This is such a great question, and I love how this person has framed it: it’s not about being ‘bored’ of your current partner or sex life, or introducing anything specific, it’s about setting out on a voyage of discovery. Brilliant. Already they are doing the key thing I’d advise, which is to think about sex not as this precious thing separate to the rest of your life, but as one of a number of pleasurable activities that you and your partner(s) can spend time indulging and expanding upon.

So that’s tip one:

1. Remember sex is a fun hobby, like cooking/hiking/gaming

Many people either put sex in a silo (separate to their ‘normal’ life, and therefore something to be whispered about and wrapped in shame) or on a pedestal (where it is so vitally important and precious that any in-depth discussion is verboten in case it seems like critique). But in a healthy relationship, sex should be a fun activity you can discuss and build on just like other cool hobbies you enjoy. If you cook together and like to share recipes, you would be totally comfortable bringing home a new cook book, wouldn’t you? If you like to hike, you share maps and suggest new routes? I would love to encourage more people to view sex in a similar way – not something that sits outside of ‘normal’ life, that can only be talked about in careful, hushed whispers, but something that is as much a part of your shared fun/free time together as picking a new Netflix box set to binge-watch.

If you’ve been raised in a society (as most/all of us have) that encourages you to view sex as something shameful, precious, or ‘other’, it can be really hard to adapt to a ‘sex as hobby’ mindset, so it could take some practice. Things which might help this along:

• Take note of the way you discuss your other hobbies/pleasures with your partner and try to wrap sex into similar conversations. eg “That dinner you cooked yesterday was delicious, sweetheart!”/”That blow job you gave me yesterday was incredible!”
• Talk about sex things that are on your mind/share links to interesting sex things as they come up – just as you would with other media. “Did you see this news about the government doing something fucking annoying again?”/”Hey have you seen this cool Guardian piece on being intimate in your 90s? Absolute goals!” (The Guardian’s Sex section is often really good for this kind of stuff, in my opinion. Likewise sex-related problem pages like the ones over at Slate. I don’t always agree with the advice but they’re fabulous for starting discussions!)
• Listen carefully when your partner raises anything like this, and encourage them to discuss it more! Make sure not to shut down any sex conversations before they have the chance to really get going. When your partner talks about something sex related, don’t immediately rush to giving your opinion, ask further questions to show you’re super open to discussion.

2. Clear the decks

I debated whether to put this one first, because it’s paramount, but I wanted to kick off with something nice before hitting you with a hard one.

Often when I’m asked about reigniting sexual spark in a relationship, or when I see this question asked on problem pages, the person asking focuses purely on the sex without giving detail or context about what’s happening in the rest of their lives. But the rest of your lives are part and parcel of your sex life too! Sex (see above) does not sit in a silo.

This is my way of reminding you that if your partner is doing the lion’s share of housework or childcare or earning money or filling out mortgage paperwork or caring for elderly relatives, it’s almost certainly harder for them to get in a sexy mood than it is for you, if your schedule is clear.

I had a commenter ask for advice back in 2020 on how to get his partner interested in kink – he’d bought loads of sex toys but they went unused, and while his kinks had expanded over the years (which he put down to watching porn), his wife seemed less and less interested in sex. Towards the end of the comment that he mentioned that they had kids, and a lightbulb went off in my head. If one person has lots of spare time to watch porn/indulge their sexual fantasies, and the other person is busy literally raising children (which I hear is quite a big job)… it strikes me as entirely normal and expected for the former to feel more sexual than the latter. I am trying so hard not to gender this advice, because this isn’t just useful for straight relationships, but cishet relationships between parents often do reflect unequal balances of childcare and other household labour, so they’re an easy go-to example.

Similar issues can affect people of any gender, regardless of whether you have kids though: if one of you is going through serious financial difficulty or a mental health crisis, doing a PhD or having IVF or transitioning or experiencing peri-menopause… there are TONNES of reasons why someone’s sexual side might take a back seat, and if you’re serious about reigniting a sexual spark or keeping sex alive, one of the first things you should do is look at everything but the sex. How big a physical/emotional load is your partner carrying? How can you best support them? Can you offer practical help (not advice – actual practical help)?

There’s some great advice on this in the comments here now too – remind yourselves that dry spells don’t always last forever! 

I believe the simplest way to improve the sex lives of anyone within a particular geographical area is to implement a Universal Basic Income. When I say this people often seem shocked, like how on Earth would UBI get us hornier? But fundamentally, no matter how much anyone loves sex, this drive will take a back seat to all other basic human needs: the need to keep oneself (and one’s family) clothed, housed and fed, for example. Only when those things are sorted can we carve out time to fantasise.

So: clear the decks. Talk to your partner and listen to the things that are getting in the way of their fantasies and ability to play. How much free/spare/fun time do they have to sit and dream and wank and watch porn and think about new sexual possibilities? You don’t get to tell your partner how to spend their spare time, obviously, but if you can help buy them more playtime, they may well spend some considering how best to play with you.

3. Create a safe space to fantasise

When they originally asked the question, my commenter was concerned about ending up “in a position where I feel obliged to continue doing things that I’m not terribly interested in just because we’ve tried them once or twice” – I think that’s a very common worry. I also think that sometimes people are afraid to raise kinks or desires which they enjoy in their head, because they don’t feel ready to act it out in real life. The word ‘fantasy‘ is used very broadly, and it can mean both ‘something I genuinely want to happen to me’ (winning the lottery, having a threesome with Billie-Joe Armstrong and that hot guy from My Chemical Romance) and ‘something I enjoy thinking about but probably wouldn’t enjoy in reality’ (being famous enough to get recognised in the street, being gang-banged by a rugby team).

Before embarking on sexual adventures, it’s helpful to create explicit and conscious space to explore and discuss fantasies without anyone leaping to the assumption that they should email the local sports club with an indecent proposal. How best to do this depends on you and your partner, but I find talking about wanking is usually a good place to start, or kicking off with some out-there hypotheticals that you can build discussion from later.

• “I’d love to know more about your fantasies – we don’t necessarily have to do them, but they might give us some inspiration for getting in the mood.”
• “When was the last time you had a wank? I’d love to know what you thought about while you were doing it…” (be careful with this one – you need to make damn sure that you’re not interrogating or about to kick off if they say something you don’t like. This is on you to be accepting and curious about whatever they say rather than judgmental)
• “I have this fantasy that I dream about a lot. I don’t think I’d necessarily be able to do it, but I thought it might be fun to talk about while we fuck. Are you up for that?”
• “Let’s say hypothetically we could pull any celebrity we wanted – who would you want to come join us?” (the ‘celebrity threesome’ question is a good one in my experience, likewise ‘if there was a clone of me, would you want to have a threesome with us both? What would you want to do if you had two ‘me’s to fuck with?’ – they’re unrealistic so no one’s going to believe you’re actually hankering for it, and it gives you a safe space to talk about what you might like to do, without pressure that your clone/Billie-Joe Armstrong is gonna walk in the door and make you put your money where your mouth is).

Men I have dated might tell you (hopefully with pleasure, but maybe with eye-rolls too) that I am a BIG fan of the hypothetical question. I think it’s a great way to find out more about how your partner thinks and feels without putting pressure on them to tell you truths they might not be ready to disclose. Also, they’re fun! If someone’s shy about sharing their precise fantasies, why not ask them “if you were directing a porn film, who would you cast in your movie? What would the scenario be? What would the actors do?”. If they are shy about picking a new sex toy to play with, why not ask them which of their current sex toys they’d take to a desert island, and why? If hypotheticals are too distant for you, why not embark on a bit of reminiscing about experiences you’ve had together? Try to come up with your top three, or five, or ten shags in collaboration with them (DO NOT shut them down if they suggest something that wouldn’t make your list! Approach that with curiosity – “oh wow, cool choice! What was it you especially enjoyed about that? I’m making mental notes…”).

4. Budget time and money for sexual media (if that’s your bag!)

Some of us (cough cough) spend our full working weeks writing, filming, photographing, drawing and creating sexual media in other ways. We don’t just do this because it’s fun (although it is), we also do it because not everyone has the time to spend dreaming up creative threesome ideas or sharing tips on sucking dick or giving sexual feedback. Those resources are there for you, and your partner(s), just as recipe-sharing websites or hiking blogs or whatever other resources you use to research other hobbies. Personally I think sex blogs are a good place to start, and you can find a bunch of sex bloggers who aren’t me over at Molly’s Top 100, and the Kinkly top 100 (neither of which are updated at the mo, but there are many active bloggers still on those lists!). You should also check out the Alliance of Independent Sex Toy Testers, especially if you want recommendations for gadgets to play with too.

Sometimes people see porn/erotica/pictures of rock-solid dicks as something they should only enjoy alone, in secret. Occasionally they’ll write in to problem pages to ask if watching porn counts as cheating – argh! But just as you and your partner(s) will likely have box sets, film genres, books or cartoons you enjoy watching together, so you probably also have some sexual media tastes in common. It’s cool! That’s a large part of what it’s there for! Please please use smut for inspiration – and the smut of many others who put their time in to creating it! Obviously be an ethical consumer (pay for your porn rather than going to a tube site, buy creator’s books or support them on Patreon if you like their stuff), but you never need to be ashamed of treating video/audio porn, erotica, illustrations and photography exactly as you would any other genre of media. Enjoy it with your partner, discuss what you liked best and what didn’t work for you. Use their last recommendation as a guide for what you’ll look at next! Set time aside to watch (or listen, or read to each other) and allow yourselves to anticipate it, just as you’d look forward to the next episode of whatever TV show you’re into right now.

5. Learn how to give feedback kindly

This also speaks to my original question-asker’s concern that they might try something once or twice then feel compelled to keep doing it. Giving feedback, especially in the bedroom, can be fraught with much worry and danger. It’s important to be able to give a clear ‘no’ if you’re not feeling something, but giving clear ‘no’s while being gentle with someone else’s feelings (and their insecurities/worries) is a delicate act.

Let’s start with feedback in general, and a baseline: I’m assuming that everyone reading this knows the adage ”no’ is a complete sentence’. And it is. You’re always allowed to step away. Say ‘no’, even if you can’t articulate exactly why you’re saying ‘no’. Your ‘no’ should be respected and in fact welcomed by your partner. The best response, if someone tells you ‘I don’t want to do this sex thing right now’ is ‘thank you for letting me know – shall we have a cuddle/make a sandwich/pop the kettle on instead?’. Not just accepting their ‘no’ but making clear to them that a ‘no’ is not catastrophic in the moment. If you respond to a ‘no’ with a strop, you’re teaching your partner to never give you this kind of feedback, and poisoning the welcoming, curious atmosphere that I’m trying to help you establish. I’m assuming all of you understand this, and neither you nor your partner(s) intend to ignore basic consent rules.

Once you’ve given a ‘no’ though, sometimes you need to append feedback about why this particular act doesn’t do it for you. When you go on sexual adventures, you’ll inevitably stumble into territory you’d rather not explore again. It’s fine! This is all part of the thrill of adventuring. You’ll bump up against hard limits, or even just wander into kinks you want to try once but not explore further. Here’s what you’re gonna do: practice giving useful, kind feedback. Your feedback should do three important things:

• give clear information about what you don’t like and why
• focus on the act and not the person
• offer reassurance and kindness

Examples:

• “I love you going down on me, but I realise I don’t get off on you putting your fingers inside me while you do it. Next time, please could you focus on that amazing thing you did with your tongue? I loved that.”
• “How did you feel about the butt plugs we tried yesterday? I am so pleased that we got to play with them as I’ve always wanted to try! I think on reflection it’s not something I want to do regularly, because the sensation was too intense. Thank you for doing it with me though, I feel so safe with you and I love experimenting!”
• “My back hurts from that position we tried yesterday, I am feeling it this morning. I don’t think I want to do it again but I love that we can tick it off our list. Tonight, let’s revisit one of our old classics so I can come round your fabulous cock without worrying about my aching muscles.”

Examples of what NOT to do (as delivered to me by men I have fucked):

• [In reference to a specific piece of dirty talk I was trying out] “I could have done without that to be honest.”
• [In reference to an outfit he’d nagged me to put on] “Nah, that’s not working for me, take it off.”
• [When I was riding his dick with as much energy as I had in me at the time] “I’m never gonna come if you don’t go much faster.”

See what I mean? This is what I’m going to call ‘extremely negative/cunty feedback’ and each of these moments gave me a hot rock of misery to carry out of that sexual encounter. Better ways to phrase them suggested below:

• “Normally I really enjoy your dirty talk but this specific phrase made me feel uncomfortable. Would you mind avoiding that one in the future please? You’re hot and we can experiment in other directions instead.”
• “I love that you got dressed up for me, thank you. I realise this particular outfit isn’t quite what I had in mind, so let me peel it off you slowly while we kiss and I’ll have a think about other options for future shags, ones that do more justice to your shape and your hotness.”
• “I am so close to spaffing but I’m not gonna get there in this position, can we switch to one where I can fuck you hard and fast? I really want to come inside you.”

I think I’m pretty good at being gentle with people’s feelings – often I am so gentle that they don’t end up taking my negative feedback on board, it’s so buried in reassurance and compliments. But within a relationship, where we’re both being careful around consent, this is the kind of approach I would welcome most from any lover. I have had a lot of ‘feedback’ from lovers over the course of my life that has burnt giant holes in my self esteem, and left me tattered and worn down. I think practicing giving gentle feedback (with buckets of reassurance) is a good general rule to follow when you’re exploring new things – sexual or otherwise.

If you want to read a bit more on this (and get a few other practical sex tips) you should check out the final section here, about making your bedroom (and your life) a space that’s free from shame.

6. Think like a nerd

Hopefully, if you do all the steps above, you’ll be starting to have some open and fun discussions with your partner about the sex you’re having, the sex you’ve enjoyed, and the sex that you might want to explore in future. When you’re both comfortable in your new-found roles as sexual enthusiasts, it’s time to level up by becoming… a bit of a nerd!

I mean this sincerely: be a nerd. Nerds are cool! Of all the things I am nerdy about (one of which, let us remember, is literally ‘trains‘), sex is the thing about which I am nerdiest. I think about it, I talk about it, I read blogs about it, I make friends who enjoy it too. What’s more, just as I might visit a transport museum to indulge my nerdiness about trains, I indulge my sex hobby in similar ways, like going to parties or clubs where people who share my kinky hobby get together to practice it (beat each other with floggers, tie each other up, etc).

If you’ve created a fun, safe atmosphere in which to discuss sex, it shouldn’t be a huge leap to become a bit of a nerd about it. Going on trips where the express purpose is to indulge your sex ideas (romantic weekend getaways, fucking in hot tubs, shooting your own porn scene), joining Fetlife and maybe going to munches (if your sex leans towards the kinky), possibly looking into sex clubs (if your sex leans towards the swing-y or sharing type).

If you need smaller steps than this, try watching plays/films/TV shows that have sex and relationships as a core theme. Personally I’d really love to go and see Unicorn at The Garrick, but the tickets are ludicrously out of my price range so honestly I’m only mentioning it here in case I can send them traffic and they offer me a press ticket [HINT HINT HINT], ideally a pair of them so I can take my Mum – she has a huge crush on Stephen Mangan.

If plays aren’t your thing, how about podcasts? The fabulous Fatal Attractions cast might be a good place to start – they talk erotic thrillers and have a huge back catalogue (including one episode with yours truly talking about the awesome film ‘Cam’). For relationships and love in general, Esther Perel has some fantastic podcasts although be aware that many of them deal with some quite intense and emotional topics. For super nerdy and gloriously philosophical sex chat, Culture, Sex Relationships is amazing. For fun, playful sex nerdery, you cannot go wrong with The Dildorks – two pals who are exactly the kind of sex nerd that I would like to be/date. If you want to understand the tone I’m trying to help you conjure as you explore your sex life, The Dildorks have it in bucketloads. If you regularly drive with your partner, or listen to podcasts while you’re doing chores, adding a few sex-curious ones into the mix is a great way to level up your nerdery.

7. Don’t tell your partner that ‘Girl on the Net says we should…’

There’s a good reason why I haven’t given you a list of sexual acts to explore – most of my advice is focused on creating space for sex and engaging in open, curious and supportive dialogue about it. I am never going to tell you that you have to buy your partner butt plugs or you should give threesomes a go: that is for you to decide together, after doing the fun chats and having non-pressured discussion.

I do hope that you share this post with your partner if you fancy kicking off a few sexual adventures, not least because it might help them understand what you want and maybe get some tips on helping you share your fantasies too. But if you’re gonna start a sentence with ‘Girl on the Net says we should…’ then here’s how I want it to end.

Girl on the Net says we should…

• …talk to each other lots, and listen attentively and curiously to the answers.
• …endeavour to create a playful sexual space that we both feel comfortable in.
• …not pressure each other to move faster than we want to.
• …commit to not shaming each other for our consensual sexual desires, even if they aren’t ones we personally share.
• …remember that sex is supposed to be FUN, never a chore or obligation.
• …support her on Patreon if you found this advice helpful.

OK, that last one’s not compulsory, I’m just saying.