What I’m looking for in a vibrator depends very much on my current state of mind. Sometimes I’m after a vigorously efficient orgasm that rockets into my life and makes me feel like I’ve been run over by a sexy freight train – during those times I’d reach for my Doxy. If what I’m looking for instead is a precision wank, where all the pleasure is directed to exactly the right spot on my clit, concentrated and magnified like a shaft of sunlight that eventually bursts into flame: Zumio. If I need something guaranteed to make me come nice and hard around a dick I’m fucking, the vibe I’ll slip into my lover’s hand then press tightly against my clit is the Hot Octopuss Amo. Unfortunately for the great people at We-Vibe, when they sent me the brand new Nova 2, what I was looking for in a vibrator was something that could help me forget that I just broke up with the man I love, in the middle of a pandemic, financially fucking myself over and effectively ripping out my own heart. It had – to put it mildly – one hell of a job to do.
This is the sort of review that will either bring me retweets or make one of my sponsor companies angry. Possibly both. But as you join me in enjoying this genuinely delightful vibrator and simultaneously sifting through the wreckage that is my life, remember that it’s my job to be emotional in public for your entertainment. Sadness makes good content, and I’m not looking for sympathy: I want shares and clicks and retweets.
To begin: things in my life are fractious right now. There’s a very recent trauma that I still haven’t managed to process, but which I relive on a regular basis as I regain contact with friends and they ask me ‘mate, what’s up?’ Then there’s the world which – let’s face it – is a shitshow. And now… now? I have split up with my other half and hurled myself into a maelstrom of financial and emotional uncertainty at a time when what I need above all else is a regular stream of income (and a hug).
Enter the We-Vibe Nova 2. A vibrator that retails for £129 (€149 or $149 in the US).
Apologies in advance to the lovely folks at We-Vibe, who sponsor my site and asked me to write this long before I realised I’d be such a fucking mess. They don’t deserve this. Their excellent new rabbit vibrator does not deserve this. But this is the only thing I can write right now, and besides: who among us deserved anything 2020 had in store?
Image courtesy of We-Vibe
Join me as I test out this newly-launched sex toy, and see if it can take my mind off heartbreak, achieving what even gin and showtunes cannot.
What is the We-Vibe Nova 2 and why did I do this to myself?
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a rabbit vibe, which means there’s a bit that goes inside you and a bit designed to sit outside on your clit, but this one’s different to many I’ve tried in the past during my quest for great rabbit vibrators. The main body of the vibe is designed to be super flexible, so you can angle and bend it to suit your shape, and is firm enough that – unlike some other toys which try to do this – it doesn’t immediately lose that shape when you crush it with your cunt. It also has a delightfully springy arm on the clitoral stimulator, so it can flex back and forth, meaning you get constant clitoral contact rather than having it sometimes on your clit and sometimes jabbing you in the pubic mound. It is made of soft, silky, dark pink silicone and have I ever told you how pretty my ex’s eyes were?
The first time I try out this vibe, I’m camped out in the spare room. It’s just before the end, during the time when I’d wake up in the morning and worry about the first time our eyes met over coffee. I’d already charged the We-Vibe Nova 2, so when I snuck off to the spare room to spit on it and shove it inside me, I did so in the manner of someone greedy for distraction.
Something in my heart was clearly looking for unpredictability: I eschewed the security and comfort of ‘turning it up to constant vibration on max’ – my usual go-to setting – and instead scrolled manically through the patterns until I found one which gave me the whimsical, volatile stimulation I craved. Unable to conjure the fantasies that would usually accompany a wank, I stuck to functional, quick, delicious strokes in and out in the hope that pure physical sensations might be enough to tip me over the edge.
They did. It’s a very good vibrator.
And we could stop this review there were it not for the fact that even as I came, my heart hurt. The dragging, churning ache that radiated in rolling waves from my chest down to my stomach. It’s a very good vibrator, but it had to do better than that.
It comes with free lube and that’s great cos I have no idea how to pay the bills now
All mod cons, this one: magnetic USB charging, made of body-safe silicone, and comes with a silky storage pouch and a free packet of Pjur lube if you don’t happen to be lazy like myself and just use spit. Frankly, I am too relieved that this vibe is actually good to go into lots of detail about its features. It’s waterproof, though, which is great, because tonight I’m planning to take it for a crywank in the bath.
It was the right decision, friends. I know it was the right decision and there could be no other. But that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid – I upended my life in the middle of a pandemic and I do not have the income to pay the bills. Luckily, We-Vibe provided me with the Nova 2 for free, so at the very least I can wank my way through the next couple of weeks until the panic starts to fade and my heart stops threatening to pound its way out of my chest.
It comes with an app.
For a heart-stopping moment, when I download the app, Apple tells me ‘payment processed’ and I nearly puke. But it’s OK, the app is free: that message is just a quirk of the App Store. I can’t blame We-Vibe any more than I can blame them for their welcome message: ‘Connect to partner.’
I tried, goddammit!
I rarely ever say this about a sex toy app, but it’s genuinely easy to use. A split screen shows you the vibrations and allows you to control each motor individually – top for the deliciously thuddy clitoral arm, bottom for the less-thuddy-but-still-satisfyingly-intense main body of the toy. You can change the vibration settings by swiping up and down, allowing you to control each arm of the toy individually. You can do it for standard vibrations like the ones I used to enjoy on an Atom Plus cock ring while my now-ex-boyfriend was fucking me, or for patterns like I’m using right this moment.
Delicious, unpredictable, edgy, life-affirming patterns.
Swiped the top bar up to increase intensity on the clitoral arm
The app (a nice added extra, but not compulsory to use as the toy can also just be controlled with the buttons) would be super-useful if you wanted to fuck someone over a distance: connect with them while you’re locked down, or shielding, or yearning for them late at night when darkness makes you you forget all the bad things and remember only the happy ones. I haven’t used it this way, though, so you’ll have to imagine for yourself. Instead I will tell you how I used it this afternoon, when polishing off this poor excuse for a review and praying it won’t make my new site sponsors despise me.
We-Vibe Nova 2 has the power to wrench a fuck out of a woman who has none left to give
For me, the best thing about the We-Vibe Nova 2 is the clit stimulator. Not only is it thuddy, as I’ve mentioned, packing heft where so many other rabbit vibes fall down, it’s also flexible. I know what you’re thinking: ‘flexible? When sex toys say that usually what they mean is the bloody thing can’t get a decent pressure on your clit and you’re left squirming and frustrated.’ I thought that too, until I tried it. The curve of the clitoral arm is more dramatic than on other rabbit vibes I’ve tried, and the silicone has just the right level of firm springiness, which means once you’ve got it positioned in the right place it delivers targeted sensations which thud deliciously into your clit, and even when I change the angle of the toy, the clitoral arm remains firmly pressed against me.
I fuck myself with it, in and out, sliding the internal arm against my g-spot and the clitoral one up and down at the top of my slit, just to the left of my clitoris in the sweet spot – the one I’ll have to teach another man to find one day quite soon. Oh God I really, truly can’t be arsed.
I use the buttons on the We-Vibe Nova 2’s ergonomic handle to increase the intensity of the clitoral arm, begging more thuddiness to drown out the thoughts in my head. While we’re talking ‘drowned out’, I can honestly say that this is a pretty quiet sex toy. I know some people care about these things, but I never have until now: who cares if my Doxy shakes the walls or my Cowgirl thumps the floorboards? There was no one in this house but me and him, and we both know that I’m horny. Now, though, despite him being kind and offering me welcome breathing room so we can work out what to do with this house that we own together and the mortgage that I cannot pay alone, I’m pondering where I might live, and with whom, so I’ll have to start caring about decibels as well as delight. Lucky for me, then, that this vibe is very quiet.
It’s quiet as I lie on my back and conjure images of faceless men taking it in turns to fuck me. Powerful as I close my eyes and try to block out memories of fucks both past and planned-for-future. Ergonomic and sleek and luxurious as it starts to build those waves of physical pleasure which will eventually push me over the edge and into delightful oblivion.
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a very good vibrator. Not just because of its features or its app or any of the bells and whistles (although they’re brilliant), it’s a good vibrator because these things in combination worked in a direct, inevitable, physical sense: distracting me with pleasure, exactly as I needed, regardless of what was happening inside my head. The We-Vibe Nova 2 grabbed me by the cunt with twin-arms and thuddy power, and dumped me efficiently over the edge of the orgasmic cliff into blankness and blissful calm.
It’s good because for two or three seconds, when I held the We-Vibe Nova 2 in my right hand, gripping one of my nipples with the fingers of my left, hearing the men in my head grunt as they dumped load after load of spunk deep into my lubed-up, willing ass, I genuinely believe I temporarily forgot the pain. I wasn’t thinking about the panic or the terror or the heartbreak: the waves in my chest stopped crashing, and diverted to my eager cunt instead.
I know this because when the stars faded from my vision and I returned to staring at the ceiling of the spare room, the horror all came crashing back, and I was grateful to have bought myself those four or five seconds of peace.
The We-Vibe Nova 2 is a very good vibrator.
Now time for that crywank in the bath.
If you’re in the market for a new rabbit vibe, I genuinely recommend this with all my heart, especially because it’s a bargain at the moment: you can grab the We-Vibe Nova 2 for £129/€149/$149. Huge thanks to the lovely folks at We-Vibe for letting me test out the brand new We-Vibe Nova 2, and for sponsoring my website. I say they don’t deserve a review like this, but I know this kind of post is far more interesting for readers than a dry run-down of features and me giving it marks out of ten, so I think in the long run it’s worth it. Share this post and prove me right, even if you just want to marvel at how fucked up I am willing to be in public to garner your retweets.
31 Comments
well the review gave me an erection, and I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with that given that most sex toy reviews normally don’t do that, so am I some kind of sicko who gets off on someone so precisely articulating her pain or is it just the awesome descriptions of our orgasms and how the toy feels, or the brilliant juxtaposition of the pain and the pleasure that hits all the right spots in my admittedly twisted kinky sadomasochistic psyche, or what? nonetheless, this toy is now on my “must buy” list. Thank you.
=) Honestly I don’t mind how the erections happen, as long as I can keep ’em coming. Glad you liked this post!
You’ve managed to wring the full range of human response out of me there, this post made me sad, happy, horny and that last line even made me laugh. I really shouldn’t laugh at the idea of you crywanking, should I(?), but you managed it.
Spectacular piece of writing.
Long time listener, first time caller: thank you! My job (and how entangled my relationship is in the things I write) is incredibly weird sometimes, but I do really like being able to yank out various emotions and smear them onto the page like this. It’s a bit fucked up, but also very fun. Definitely no harm in laughing about me crywanking – I wanted to hit darkfunny as well as sad and horny and ‘keen on this vibe’ tones for this post =)
That was a lovely bit of writing. No matter your emotional state you always find a way to make it a great read.
Thank you so much! Honestly I think it’s just that people tend to remember the better posts – readers are very forgiving of the shite ones I write. Was quite pleased with how this turned out though – even when I am struggling and sad I take pleasure in using words to effectively drag others through the barren hellscape of my heart.
i will strive to be as useful, faithful and efficient as this hunk of plastic to the next woman who allows me into her life.
Haha I feel compelled to point out it’s not plastic but body-safe silicone =) Glad you aspire to the greatness!
You are such an example for people who blog, you just had me riveted to my seat reading about a toy I already know everything about and made me tear up, and hate trifle, you are just awesome.
Thank you so much Jay! <3 I am super sad I didn't get to hear your talk at Eroticon this yr - I hope we can catch up at the next Eroticon once all this Covid stuff is over!
Well, that sure was a sex toy review like no other. :)
There are certainly worse ways to handle heartbreak…
Probably the best vibrator review I have ever read tbh. Any vibe that can obliterate horrific reality even for a short while has to be worth the money. Retweet incoming, hugs always ❤️
This post inspired so many reactions: it made me sad, it made me laugh, it convinced me to buy the Nova 2 on a whim.
My lockdown involved relocating to London on my own and being randy and at home all the time; I got to know you through Sexpots and your books and blog. My sex confidence has improved loads and I am a better person for it.
Heartbreak is tough shite, and I know I’m just yet another stranger on the net, but I honestly feel your pain.
Thank you, Girl for all you’re doing and keep strong.
Thank you so much! That’s incredibly kind of you to say and I’m so chuffed you like my work! I hope you enjoy the Nova 2!
I want to give you such a big cuddle. I broke up with the bf right before lockdown and wonder wtf is happening now. I hear you. (Not literally, that would be strange but you know what I mean) It sucks, right? We deserve some damn good wank time!
I’m so sorry to hear that and yes you’re right! Wank time is definitely well deserved =)
For the first time in many years I logged on to your site to see how you are doing rather than for my own sexual gratification.
From afar I have read your honest, humble and well written stories every Thursday and Sunday to brighten up a dull vanilla existence.
Today it seemed different, I was embarrassed to masturbate to your material as it now seemed personal. How was she? I don’t know her but little by little, after reading so many personal stories I couldn’t help being curious about the relationship and, as a man, what it would be like to have a sex blogger for a girlfriend.
Today I felt embarrassed that I had used your site in this way even though that is one of the aims!
Break ups are impossibly hard so do whatever you need to do,
I can still vividly recall being on a train from Hastings to London 20 years ago looking at an apple that my very recent ex had just given me for the journey. I find it difficult to believe that looking at a Granny Smith has ever made someone cry as much as it did me that day.
Two old ladies I was sharing the table seats with gave me a beautifully comforting yet knowing look and passed me a tissue.
Break ups are made worse by people like me giving advice, so I won’t. The worse thing about people giving advice in this situation is that they always say I won’t give you any advice…but……
The way you’ve written your past posts, it sounds to me like it’s possible that you get back with the man that you love. Isn’t there just some way you can work it out? Not that it’s my business but you do share your private life with your audience and I’ve been reading your stories for a couple of years now. I can’t imagine not hearing any more stories about how you love to watch him wait and he’s always so open to try different things with you. Of course no one knows what goes on behind closed doors it if someone is the love of your life I always think that there’s a way to work something out mutually.
Blimey, Beth – that’s a big question =) It’s OK to ask though, and it kinda is your business. I appreciate that in talking so much about him, and us, I have made our lives very open to certain questions and I totally understand why you think there may be a way for us to get back together. I also thought that there was a way for us to make this work, for a very long time, and I think I did everything in my power to try and make that happen. Apologies for the vagueness here: discussing the reasons why we broke up puts me on potentially dodgy ethical ground, because I do not want to say anything that might be harmful or upsetting to him. I do still love him, very much, and I also know that words are my superpower so I need to wield them very very carefully. The bottom line is that I believe there’s a big problem sitting in the middle of our relationship, which I do not think is his fault: he is a good, kind, brilliant person. I would love nothing more than to find some way to get over this big problem, and be able to work together through the smaller problems that we can tackle pretty easily (because we’re really good at comms and love when we’re on top form!). But this Big Problem sits in front of all of that, and not only does he not want to tackle it, he now no longer believes it’s a problem at all. Staying together would mean one of us accepting a version of reality that we do not believe to be true. It’s definitely over, and it really has to be – he agrees. But I promise I have looked through every single way of making it work, and this is not a decision I’ve taken lightly at all. Cos yeah, we were really fucking *good* together. I have met a lot of men in my life, and fallen for a few, and I have never known one who worked so well with me as this guy. This is the weirdest and hardest break up I have ever had to do, and doing it will fuck me on a number of levels. I wouldn’t do it unless there were no other option. Thank you for asking though, honestly – I have been overwhelmed and moved by how many people have got in touch to say they were rooting for us, and they’re sad that we’re over. I don’t think he’ll read this blog, but I think that if he did he would be touched by how much love strangers have for him, and us. I am very touched by knowing how much people liked him too – he really, genuinely, truly is incredible, and even though it puts me in a VERY weird position now I have to continue this blog without him, I wouldn’t change a single thing about the love I’ve poured out for him on these pages. Every word of it is true.
No, you’re crying.
Lovely, just lovely. Nothing but love for you, him and everyone reading this.
GOTN, I feel really sad for you but it sounds like the decision has been made and you have to go with your heart and your gut for sure. You will find someone else and hopefully as much as adventurous as he was as it seems like you two had a great relationship. On another note, the We-Vibe Nova 2 is not even available to pre-order on this website? Or am I doing something wrong?
Ah well if you’re in the US it won’t be available there till 6th August so you might have to put a reminder in your diary for it! I am not sure why but I’m guessing supply-chain issues (possibly Covid-related? That’s hit a fair few sex toy companies) mean at the moment it’s launching in UK and EU but won’t be available in US till Aug.
Happy August and cheers to a better month and rest of the year I pray😇.. yes I am in the US but I will be checking this site on August 6th to claim the vibe!!
gotn, I remembered the date and I bought myself the Novs 2 today!! Woo hoo,
Wooo! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! I am enjoying it even more now the heartbreak is not so immediate =)
What lovely things to say.
Wowh.
Your sponsors got lucky with an unexpected gift and so do we readers.
When the moment is there where you are sure you’ve tried all – then it’s truly over and time to move on. In some sense it makes breaking up easier – there no longer is doubt.
It however doesn’t shorten grieving time nor is there a shortcut for all the feelings.
And now I have to take a look at my budget and consider an acquisition….
Nope it can’t help. It’s out of stock for shopping attempts from Europe …
https://shop-eu.we-vibe.com/eu/out-of-stock
“ We regret that this item is temporarily out of stock, please select a different item.”
Not a good idea for a launch to campaign but not have the product available
It may have just been very popular! I’ll drop them an email this week to see when it’ll be back in stock.
So sad to hear that you’r lover left the building. Still a good review tho. Hoop live turns out for the good soon.
Hey writer! I genuinely enjoyed your essay. I transformed it into a free-write poem and would love to share with the writer because the language used here is phenomenal. Thanks for the review and insight :)