Recently someone emailed me a question that went a little something like this: “you’ve alluded to wanting a spitroast/gang bang before. But there are clubs in London where this happens every night! Why don’t you just go to one of those?!” It is not an uncommon question, and I suspect it’s one that quite a lot of horny, slutty women get asked, so I thought I’d have a crack at answering it. I don’t think everyone will feel the same way I do, but (with thanks to the person who asked the question) here’s why this pervy woman isn’t in sex clubs every night.

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It’s a huge gamble, both of us know that, so we’re careful to tiptoe gently around the implications. I haven’t seen this guy in many many years, and he lives far enough away that we can’t just catch up over a drink. A visit? For three nights? It’s a huge gamble. But he asks me at exactly the right point – says ‘shall I come and stay for a bit?’ when I’m feeling brave and horny. So I bury the doubts, keep my expectations low, embrace the knowledge that life is far more fun if you gamble sometimes and tell him ‘fuck it, yes.’

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If someone were to ask me what I bring to the table, sex-wise, I wouldn’t mention specific parts of my body. My body is fine, my hair is fine, my clothes are basically clothes. I like to think I’ve got a pretty filthy grin, but apart from that my physicality is nothing to either write home or pen a strongly-worded letter of complaint about. So if we’re having sex, what I’m bringing to the party isn’t my body, it’s my attitude. To be blunt: my enthusiasm.

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Dirty talk can be extremely intimidating to do, if you’re not used to it. But this guide isn’t about showing you how to weave narrative arcs and construct pitch-perfect cum-trigger sentences. This is the easiest guide to dirty talk in the English-speaking world, so if you currently say nothing (or almost nothing) during sex, I promise the following words and phrases will level you up. Don’t panic, don’t stress, don’t expect to go from monosyllabic grunts to suddenly channeling Casanova, just get yourself a few of these words.

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I’ve had some serious fun with golden showers/piss play/water sports in my time, but today’s guest blogger has something way more helpful and specific for those of you who’d like to try it yourselves: tips! Using stories from her time as a dominatrix, when she was getting paid to pee on people, Uncensored Kiss is here to bring you a trickle of joy in the form of some pissing top tips. How to pee standing up (if you don’t have a penis), and the best ways to practice so you don’t get stage fright.

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