I am so excited to welcome Tess back to the guest blog! Her first piece was (and still is) one of my favourite ever sex toy posts. She tested out the Hot Octopuss PULSE (an incredible oscillating penis vibrator that can be used hands-free) to see if she could have an orgasm while playing computer games, and naturally ‘horny nerd stuff’ is very much  my cup of tea. Today she’s back with a blog that’s equally creative, even hotter, and comes with a really important lesson: the best sex doesn’t always happen spontaneously, the way a lot of media (my own porn often included!) might have you believe. Sometimes the best sex is a decade in the making, because the fuck itself rests on foundations of connection and understanding that are built over many many years. Thank you so much to Tess for sharing this stunning shag!

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I’m turning 40 this month. Which feels weird when I write it down like that – in my heart I am (and will always be) nineteen – just on the cusp of adulthood, excited for what it might bring. In reality, I’ve been an adult for longer than I was ever a child. I pay council tax! I have a bad back! I own three different types of spirit level! I wouldn’t normally announce my birthday on the blog, but because this one’s a biggie I thought it might be fun to mark it by throwing a virtual party – support me on Patreon (at any level) and sign up to the Zoom hangout on Sunday 24th March – 6-8pm UK time, though we may well go on longer than that if people want to. I’ll read you a selection of my favourite posts from the last 12.5 years of this blog, and we’ll drink stuff and chat and you can ask me anything you’d like to know about GOTN, the audio project, sex blogging and which of the many many exceptional cocks I’ve ingested over the years is my special absolute favourite. Meanwhile, here’s a random list of 40 things I’ve learned before the age of 40.

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As a general rule I don’t like people quoting me in guest blogs on my own site. It feels too recursive and narcissistic, even for me. BUT. Today’s guest – Oscar, big big thanks to him – has a really important point to make, and straight people (STRAIGHT MEN) need to hear it. It’s about a topic extremely close to my heart, and vitally important in my (and so many other people’s) dating lives. Actually fuck it, not just their dating lives, their lives in general. Today we’re gonna talk about jokes. Specifically, why it appears that straight men can’t joke with women who they might also be interested in boning…

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For a long time I’ve had a discomfort with the way that sex is often carved out and set aside from the rest of any given story. Whether it’s people complaining about how ‘unnecessary’ sex scenes are in movies, or books which get dismissed as trashy just because the characters have the temerity to fuck, I find the way sex is treated in media both frustrating and fascinating. I’d never really been able to articulate the root of this discomfort, but when LJ Amber got in touch with this week’s guest blog, I suddenly got it. They argue the case for sex in stories with such power and clarity – I am so grateful to them for sharing their perspective, and I agree so wholeheartedly with their point. LJ Amber’s debut novel – Song of the Wild Knight – is coming out next week (29th Feb), so please do check that out and share this post if you agree. Here’s to sex in stories, and the beautiful stories we tell through sex.

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This gorgeous erotic fiction about a tryst in the changing rooms is written and read by Euphemise This, and originally appeared on her website.

Michaela fucking hated clothes shopping, with a passionate hatred usually only reserved for Tories, but she resigned herself to the fact that she couldn’t put it off any longer. The event was in two days and it could potentially provide her with a massive career boost as long as she made a good impression with the right people. She was initially reluctant to admit it, but the entire contents of her wardrobe were completely unsuitable for this task.

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